People look at others lives, and all they see is the facades that people build, the paint and window dressings. But until you come inside and see the clutter, the disarray, the dirty floors, the dust on the window sills, the cracks in the walls; until then you have no idea whether the foundation is rotting away from the inside or that confusion and misery lives there. This is going to come as a shock to many of you out there. Or maybe not. Last November, I attempted suicide. I don't recommend it for anyone. Confusion, grief, loneliness, unhappiness, stress, medical issues.... it all contributed to my depression. I felt that there was no other option for a better life than the one I was living in, and hating, as good as it seemed to those on the outside. I felt that nobody would ever understand, that nobody cared about my needs, wants, desires. I felt utterly helpless at work, and at home. Just living my life to make everyone else happy, and not reaching for the things I needed to be whole. I put on a good face, and plowed forward like everybody else in the world, but I was dying inside to be free of the pain and misery that I felt I was in. An opportunity presented itself to me, and I tried to take the easy way out; at least easy for me. I won't discuss the method because it should not be repeated; it was in my fashion quite elaborate and well thought out, and very deliberate. This was no spur of the moment idea or impulse. Obviously, it did not work, and I am mostly glad for that. As of this day today, it has cost me my job because I have been too unstable to return to work, as many of you have seen through my facebook postings over time. Today, they terminated me as the FMLA job security provision expired. I know many of you have wondered what my issue was and whether or not I was going through something. Now you know the first part of the story. I regret putting the friends and family in the position I did by my actions. The reason I am opening up and telling this story is that you never know who is suffering, who may be the next friend or family member to just give up. Depression should not be a stigma; people have unresolved issues or traumas in their lives that color their perception of reality and need to seek help and support from those around them. They usually have chemical imbalances that can be controlled by medication, and issues that can be confronted through therapy and support. Don't judge people who may not be able to think rationally due to extreme turmoil, grief or stress. Watch your friends and family for sudden changes in behavior, or for withdrawal from their normal activities. Believe your eyes, not their lies when they tell you everything is OK. And don't worry about what people will think if you suffer from depression yourself. Seek help. A friend, a family member, a religious figure, or just go in to your local emergency room. Don't let it get to the point where you believe that ending your life is better than experiencing all this wonderful, crazy, mixed up world has to offer if you are willing to occasionally reach for it. Yes, your hands may get slapped or you may hurt yourself while reaching, but there is a better life out there for everyone willing to look than the one you can't live in anymore. Finding out what makes you happy, having a dream and a goal; it makes the days worth looking forward to. I don't know what mine are yet, but I know I am willing to try to figure it out and try to find a way to get there. Please, no comments of support or of trusting in a higher authority. It is enough to me to be able to openly explain where I am in life in order to try to help others.